Thinking about Max

This whole weekend I fantasied about seeing Max in DC. Then on Monday, I found out that Max was in town. I am so sad, I miss him so much. I keep telling myself what Naomi told me...her brother-in-law told her that no matter how mad he gets at Naomi's sister, he couldn't let her go...I want someone who can't let me go.

May 4 - Thinking About Max

Finally told Steven about Max and his feelings. Steven was like, I told you not to tell him right away...you scared him away. He said you have to ease into these things with men. Oh well. I'm too impatient. I'm learning to keep myself occupied physically and emotionally. I ordered a toy.

April 27 - Just Miss Him

Yesterday, I spent a fun filled day with Naomi. We shopped for dresses. We talked a little about Max but not much. Today, I really miss Max.

April 25 - I'm Back

I have so much to write. I will have summarize:
1.) Leadership Meeting went well. I'm very pleased with my own work.
2.) I wasn't ready to leave Miami on Monday. I changed my flight to Wednesday
3.) I love Miami...I wish Max and I had just moved there. We would have so much fun as a couple in Miami. Also he would be around lots of Haitians and his brother.
4.) My cousin is the coolest. I had so much fun hanging at her house and with her. I can't wait to go back.
5.) She was so disappointed to hear Max and I had ended things. Oh my gosh, she was hard core...she Keely what were you thinking. I wasn't.
7.) Back to work only 4 hours on Thursday and shit hit the fan. Why couldn't it be today. Now they might associated my time in Miami with the shit hitting the fan. Ugh!!

8.) I have a great tan and look forward to this weekend.

April 17 - Taking For Granted

Just got off the phone with Tiffany. She wondered if she should be worried since Rico doesn't own a car or house. I told her not to hit the panic button. Rico lives in DC so he doesn't need a car. Regarding the house, she needs to find out why he doesn't have a house. If I were evaluating him, I would want to know if you got sick, would he do whatever it took to care of you and his family. I told her one of things I took for granted with Max, is that I knew (1) he would do whatever it took to make his wife happy and (2) he would take care of his family no matter what. I knew this however I thought I wanted a man who wanted to conquer the world, too. However, it wasn't until I had quiet time, that I realized men with this personality and I don't get along well. I thought about men I had dated with this personality, we never got along well. Max has helped me learn what is really important to me in a mate. What are must have qualities. All right let the games begin, the troops arrive today. I really love you Max, you are still my cake batter ice cream. I will write about cake batter on another blog.

April 16 - Haitian Restaurant

I don't know why I like to torture myself. For some reason, I felt by going to a Haitian restaurant it would make me feel closer to Max. Here I am in the restaurant surrounded by Haitian artwork and pictures and all I can think about is Max. I'm with a co-worker and I wish Max was there instead of her. I wanted to know what Haitian food looked like, what would be on the menu. I ordered stewed goat. The restaurant experience was bittersweet. I told my co-worker how I tried to cook a Haitian meal for Max and and it wasn't clear to him until he drank the cremace or kremas. Then he was like oh you are trying to cook a Haitian meal.

http://www.clubplanet.com/Venues/82064/Miami-Beach/Tap-Tap

April 16 - The Answer

Max answered my questions. After hearing his response I felt I didn't have the right to even ask him to consider us again. I guess this is my first time having to suppress my feelings. I wonder how things would have gone, if I had expressed my thoughts to Max like I do in the blog. I wouldn't have hurt him so badly. I know about no boundaries to what's possible...I actually bought a wedding dress, "crazy talk." I figured if Max didn't want to marry me, I would sell it. I haven't told anyone about this purchase.

April 16 - God of Second Chances

One of the older ladies from church told me, we serve a God of second chances. And if I didn't get a second chance with Max. I would get a second chance to right my past wrongs and use my new lessons learned. I can't think about anyone else right now...but it did give me some peace.

April 16 - No Fighting For My Man

Max wants me to retreat. Max has made it clear he wants distance between him and me. I am a distraction from school and work. The sweet gestures I tried to make were shunned. This does hurt me, but it's not about me...it's about what Max wants and needs. Because I love him, I will try to give him the space he wants and needs. There isn't anything, I wouldn't do for him...I will love him afar.

April 16 - In Miami

I am sitting at Gloria Stefan's restaurant Larios a bongo cafe on the beach. It's one of my favorite spots on south beach. Flight ride to Miami. Last night and this morning , my mind started playing tricks on me. After my last conversations with Max, I have started to wonder maybe I imagined the magic. I have had to think about our most initimate moments to remind myself we were real. How we felt for each other was real. Now, I understand why Max used to make certain comments. During this phase, you start to wonder if things were one sided...maybe you were the only feeling a certain way. I still want to know how he moved on so quickly. Does this indicate that his thoughts of marriage were fleeting or a knee jerk reaction, maybe he had strong doubts all along. Fleeting and knee jerk don't sound like Max but It has always taken me years to get over someone I really loved. My first adult love, I would have married years later, if he had asked. Max is probably just a stronger individual than me.

April 15 - No Blogging for Max

Just got off the phone with Max. I guess he did read my blog but I don't have to worry about him reading it again. My blog took his focus away from work and school. I thought he could check on me when he felt like it, like you would on a good friend. He said he didn't say I couldn't call, however my blog took him away from work and school. I thought a phone call would take more of his time. Totally confused!!! This whole situation is confusing so what's new. I'm sorry my orchid and blog took you away from school and work activities. I wanted to say thank you with the orchid and return the favor. Since I talk to you through the blog, I thought you might like to know what's going on with your friend.

April 15 - Weave, Wife and CEO

So my day started around 7 at Cosi,. Then I went to PBGC to work with my CEO, then I went to the hair salon with my CEO and his wife. We had a meeting at the beauty shop while she was getting a weave. I am supposed to be packing for Miami. I still have so much to complete. I made the mistake of making an early flight...why did I do this to myself. Today, is the first time I saw the husband/wife side of my bosses. I wonder if Max read the blog. Max and I in Miami. I was looking at pictures from our trip to Miami. I remember dancing with him in my red dress in Miami. Memories...memories. Not sure where I am going to funnel my Max thoughts the next few days. I'm going to be in Miami. Wish you were going with me. We could have hot, Miami talks.

April 15 - Max receives the Flowers

Leave it to Max to talk about sending flowers to its grave. Is that a metaphor for our relationship. It's in the grave. Is he trying to tell me in the nicest possible way his feelings about us.

April 15 - Orchid Arrives

I'm so excited Max just received my orchid order. I haven't been this happy in awhile. Now, he will have access to my blog and secret thoughts. I'm excited and scared. Hopefully this won't scare him away. If you read my blog, you don't need to respond in anyway to the blog or flowers. I don't want you to feel obligated in anyway. I know you have a lot of stress and pressure, that's why I haven't called. I am being respectful of your wishes. You know I could talk all day long. Also, I have been reeling...last week was a terrible shock for me.

April 15 - Communication

Such an interesting thing. The receiving and giving of information. It seems so simple, how come our communication is so complicated. On several occasions, we talked but no one really heard the other one. Or we didn't talk and the other was thinking a totally different thing. It's just so strange. Max has grieved and got over me and I'm just now grieving our loss. He didn't know I hadn't moved on. However, I never said I was moving on but I guess my actions told him otherwise.

April 15 Tax Day

I have a meeting with my boss at 7:00 AM at Cosi on 12th and K. I walk in the door and they are playing Seal. Tears start to form in my eyes. I thought why didn't I go with him to the Seal concert. My boss just walked in...I have to collect myself. I can't be a hot mess in Cosi. While we are meeting another Seal song comes on...what are they trying to do to me. I miss you!!! We have so many fond memories. I remember playing Seal on my IPOD.

April 14 - A Moment to Write

Ive had a crazy busy day. I can't wait until Friday is over and then I can chill. Until then, I am busy, busy.

April 14 - Going to Miami

This week is going to be a crazy week. I will have lots to distract me...I hope. I am planning this meeting for 16 people in Miami. There are so many loose ends to tie up. I feel stress in my chest. I do feel more hopeful about Max and I. The secret to happiness, according to researchers is low expectations. Don't ask for the moon, voyager, when you've got the stars. I am working on resetting my expectations with Max. I had high expectations of marriage, kids, dog and white picket fence. Now I am recalibrating to friendship.

http://www.thestar.com/comment/columnists/article/198212

The Blog Reader

It's really kind of funny. Sometimes I write the blog in first person or third person. Sometimes I write the blog like I'm talking to myself or like I am talking to Max. It's kinda funny.

April 13 - I Miss You

Max, how can we be on such different pages? For the last few months I have been working through you and I and determining my feelings. Are they coming from a genuine place, why am I afraid, are they real fears. You have been withdrawing from me. I want to lay on your chest. You have such an amazing body. Max WHY WHY WHY

Lisa's Perspective

Lisa says when I am feeling down consider a good day for her mother is going to restroom on her own and not falling down. So every time I go to the restroom by myself I should consider myself lucky and see this as a good day.

Prevent Jae from Making the Same Mistake

Jae called me in a panic because she realized she still had feelings for her ex. She didn't know what to do. She started comparing Ron and Oscar her ex. I told her not to make the same mistake I did. Don't date anyone...give yourself time to get on solid ground. If not, you will compare the two guys unfairly and not be able to give yourself 100% emotionally to Ron. I understand making a hasty decision because you are afraid of losing the person, you believe is right for you in the long term. In the end it doesn't work, you end up stressing yourself out, having doubts about your decision and hurting the person you truly care about. You and Ron will be together if you are meant for each other.

October 2004 Philadelphia

In October 2004 when Max told me his mom was sick. I told him I was going to be working in Philadelphia where he was going to be with his mom. Our time in Philadelphia was so special. I write about it more detail. I have to lots of work to do tonight. When we were in Philadelphia I didn't focus on being Max's girlfriend, I knew he couldn't be my girlfriend. He needed to focus all his time and energy on getting his mom better. The best thing I could do was be a great friend to him. I felt so blessed that God put me in his life to support him during this trying time. I have to focus on being Max's friend again. I felt so honored last time, that's what I have to be now. This idea gives me some hope.

April 13 - Men versus Woman

My mom told me to appreciate Max's pain I have to understand men don't recover from rejection and disappointment as well or as easily as women.

How did Max Move On

I want to call Max now and ask him how did he get over me. What did he do when he felt this way. What did he tell himself? What did he do? Right now, I can't figure it out. I'm in this phase of complete confusion and shock. I can't move. My body feels so heavy. My mind is heavy. When I tell my friends about my blog they all want to read it. I'm not sure about letting people read my personal thoughts. It's like letting people read your diary. I have told them all no. I kind of like my secret blog.

October 2004 Devastating News

Either the night Max and I had our first fight or soon there after Max told me his mother had cancer. This is when our journey really picked up pace this is when Max really started to see me.

April 12 - Video Diary

I am trying to figure out how to create a video diary. I'm sure I can create one using my Mac. I'm going to have to go the Mac store and figure this one out. Video diary would be so cool.

April 12 Busboys and Poets

Needed to get out of the house decided to go to Busboys and Poets to work. I have stuff to finish before my meeting in Miami. Everyone keeps saying Miami will be a change of pace...right now my world is heavy. Miami will be sunny but I will be thinking about Max. My friends keep asking is the blogg helping you or keeping you in the realm of Max. I feel like it helps. I can pour out my feelings and my private thoughts.

April 11 Dreamed of Max

I dreamt Max asked me was I attracted to him. What about my level of attraction to him? I remember being stumped in my dreams. I just miss him so much. This is so hard. Well, I need to do some work today.

April 11 - Tiffany and Rico

Tiffany invited me to hang out with her and the new guy she is dating Rico. I really like Rico he seems like a nice guy, kinda reminded me of Max. We went to Zaytinya for drinks, I just had pineapple juice wasn't in the mood for alcohol. Then went to Park Place however they were having a private party, so then we were going to Cafe Citron however we decided to go Ozio. Ozio was cool, I kept thinking about Max and why am I here. All these guys tried to talk to me...really cute guys but I couldn't see them. I kept thinking why aren't i with Max. I came home around 2:00 AM. I was exhausted, I would have left around 12:00 If I had been driving. I rode with Tiffany from Zaytinya to Ozio. Tiffany pointed out Rico's clothes, I told her she could work with him. I wouldn't trade Max and his lumberjack shirts and tshirts for a guy that dressed Rico Suave. Also, when I went to NYC he had stepped up his wardrobe. He looked so hot on Sunday. I wanted to rip his clothes off!!!

We aren't compatible

Today, thought about you several times however it was an extremely busy day. I did get my weave today, it's cool. I know, I know you don't like weaves. This morning, I reread your email where you stated I said we weren't compatible. I kept thinking when did I say that. While I was brushing my teeth this morning it dawned on me, I said we weren't compatible when I was trying to get you to give me some space. Since 2004, I haven't been sure we weren't compatible. I said we weren't compatible to get you to stop pushing me. I know this would be a foreign concept for you. You are very deliberate with your words, you mean what you say and say what you mean. You would have found a way to say, you need your space without saying things you didn't believe were true. I probably got bad advice. I was told, after repeated attempts to get you to stop pushing the only thing I could do was lead you to believe there was no chance. I can say with 100% certainly, I never came to a conclusion that you weren't the one or weren't compatible. That's what was so difficult, because I had concerns but could never say nope you aren't the one. I wasn't sure if you were the one but knew you possible could be the wrong. It would have been so easy to end things if I felt for certain you weren't the one. I was worried, I liked you because you were a nice and not because I was passionately in love with you. Its weird how this has come back to haunt me. I wonder how you don't know deep down that I don't feel. How come we got along so well

October 2004 Our First Fight

October 23, 2004, My birthday. I had cooked this fablous dinner and was looking forward to introducing Max to my friends. A day before my party Max mentions his cousin is coming in town and is he invited to the party. I said yes but was annoyed. I had just enough seats to accommodate my guests. I went to BJs and bought an extra table to accommodate Max and his cousin. What do you know Max doesn't show up to my dinner party...I am pissed however he has a chance to redeem himself. I'm having an after party at Modern, I invite him and his cousin to join me. Max says he will try. Again no Max...now I was pissed. He showed up to my house after my dinner and after party. We had words that night.

Movie Madness in 2004

Along Came polly, Bourne Supremacy, I, Robot, The Incredibles, Meet the Fockers, Ray, Spiderman 2, The Terminal...Movies we saw together in 2004. I remember going to the movie theater and having ice cream at ColdStone. Max loves ice cream. I vividly remember this one sunny day, afte seeing a movie with Max. I was completely smitten.

Why didn't he tell me in person

All weekend I think there is hope however he sends an email. When I received that email that at 2:00 on Tuesday, I left work in tears. Why didn't he tell me he felt this way over the weekend. Why? All weekend he was formulating his thoughts...I have no desire to revisit us.

How to Fight For Your Men

My mom says you have to fight for your man. It's so interesting my mom, laid back mom says you need to fight for man. Fight for my man. My says don't give up.

Almost Doubted HIs Love

I had a moment of doubt and panic...maybe he never loved him. How could he fall out of love with so quickly? Maybe men are different. I never doubted his love before, just because he has done what he needed to survive...I can't panic. I can't lose faith in our love because he has shunned me. He has fond memories of me. This is nothing...if we got married this little bump in the road is nothing. I just needed a moment to collect my thoughts. This would be nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Move to NYC

I was all ready to move to NYC. I had a discussion with my Mom about moving. I was looking for jobs in NYC. And now, I feel so silly. Max would see me moving to NYC as another obligation. He is obligated to be nice and neighborly. I was thinking we could move into the two bedroom below him if we got married. All this crazy thinking. Life is so weird. Now not only does Max not know, he does have the desire to know. WHY WHY WHY

The Blogging Helps

The blogging keeps me from really losing it. If Max reads this he will probably think I am psycho, I'm not, I am just in love. You do really crazy things when you love someone as deeply as I love him. I need to pour my heart out to someone and I don't want to obligate Max...blogging is it. It's available anytime I need to spill my guts. I should have told him, I wasn't pushing him out of my life. I just needed time and he said I won't wait forever...well that has come to fruition. I just had this romantic hope, he would feel the same way I did. Go figure, he is on the completely opposite spectrum doesn't even want to keep a gift from me. He might as well have stabbed me in the heart. I'm sure I have said things in past that made him feel the same way. I really never understood the importance of choosing your words carefully. I have said so many things without thinking all the way through how Max might view my words. My words have even come back to haunt me...and I'm not good at expressing myself. So I used words that didn't really capture exactly what I meant but the essence or spirit. I would take back so many things...if I could turn back the hands of time. When the sadness leaves then comes anger. I wonder when the anger will come.

The Handshake

I remember when Andrew and Heather talked about Max's handshake. I love his hands. He takes great pride in keeping his hands nice and neat. He has Fred Flintstones feet. They are like blocks. I don't mind his feet however he should get his toe looked at, it looks like it could be infected. If we had a boy, I hope they have his feet. If we had girls, I hope they have my feet. Girls would have a hard time finding sexxy shoes in W or CC. However if we had a girl, she would probably be a tomboy, more like her dad. I would want to dress her girlie, she would want to be like her Dad in jeans and t-shirt. She would want to play soccer like her Dad. It would be a battle I would lose.

The Crying

Everything makes me cry. People don't force God's plan...on cue...tears form in my eye. I see cupcakes...we had cupcakes. I reread the email over and over again...I cry. I start to beat myself up, I cry. I cry at work, home, in front of strangers. I can't take this...I'm not a crier. I think about moving into the friendship stage, I cry. I see kids and think about the kids we could have...I cry. I see happy couples...I cry. I look at pictures of Max and I...I cry. I read the emails when things were magical...I cry. Why can't we be like jane and dick? boy meets girl. girl likes boy. they get married.

Just told my brother

He is sad for me. When I told him how I felt and was ready to marry max. He kept repeating Max, my brother in law. Why did he have to ask about giving the watch back. I get it...he doesn't want to be with me. Everyone keeps saying it will be ok. It doesn't feel ok. I just have to remember you can't blame yourself for needing time. BUT IT SUCKS

The Campaign

I want to launch a campaign like Max. Obama is a master campaigner...maybe I could get him to help me get Max back. It is taken everything in my power not too. But I know what it did to me...it just drove me further away when he used to push me. I know you are the right person, but there is nothing I can do to force you to see us again. The more you pushed me, the more I took you for granted.

Hindsight 20/20

When things ended with Max and I in October, my family and friends kept asking me are you sure...you will probably want to be with him in the end. I always said I'm not sure. At the time, I knew we could have something good but I'm wasn't sure about great. With age comes wisdom. My aunt kept telling me I really wish you would have given this decision more time. I just feel so stupid for not seeing what I had in front of me. An amazing man ready to commit his life to me and I was too afraid to commit my life to him. And thought I was doing the best thing by limiting communication...was I crazy.

April 08, 2008 Understanding Him

I am in such pain. But I understand. I understand I probably jumbled him up on the inside this weekend. That wasn't my intent, I just wanted to see my other half. Why should I risk my heart for you? Why should I risk being out of control of my emotions? What makes this time different? How do I know I'm not your fall back guy? How do I know you want me because you truly love me not because I am familiar and safe? How do I know you aren't trying to make me be what I am not? Why can't you make up your mind? How dare you come now when my life is already chaotic and my heart is at peace? I can't allow myself to go back to that dark place? How do I know you aren't just settling for what you think is available? How do I know you aren't trying to rush into marriage? Why do you want me know when you didn't before? If only you could read my heart Max. You would know the answers to these questions.

April 08, 2008 Begging

I begged for a second chance. I told him he doesn't have to do the work. He doesn't..he already has done the work. Let me take care of you. My family keeps asking what are you going to do. I don't have a plan. On one hand I want to show Max like he always showed me...he never took no for an answer. On the other, I don't want him to start feeling obligated to respond or talk to me. On the other, I want him to see that I am serious. On the other, I am not being respectful of his wishes...that he doesn't have the desire to revisit us. I don't know. The mystery of life. Why can't you see the forest for the trees? What I was looking for was right in front of me.

April 08, 2008 Email Aftermath

I was hurt by his email.However, I know I brought this on myself. Max was/is the best thing for me. He gets me. I didn’t realize I had a diamond. That I had in life what I was looking for. Nothing happened tragic happened to make me realize this, a combination of things helped me to gain clarity...finishing school, got fired from job, found a new job and am not stressed and have had time to think. I know..Max is the one. I was so hopefully before this email that he might still have a spark in his heart...I believe we are eternal. I’ve had the last five months to reflect on these things..there is no one else I want to be with but Max. There is nothing and nobody on this earth…maybe I was looking for the perfect person but I realize I’m not perfect. What I wanted was right there beside me. I hurt Max's feelings…but I want him to know there is no one else. From June 2007 until, I never had 100% to give. When we started dating again, I was in a different place in my life. I am in a different state...Max has all the qualities. I begged for an opportunity to show him.

Fast Forward April 9, 2008

He asked about the watch. It was crushing to think he thought it best to return the watch to really let me know he has no desire. Tears are welling in my eyes now...why couldn't I have figured this out sooner. Learning to forgive Keely 07 is going to be hard. I have to remember things happen for a reason you wouldn't have gotten here without going through the last period of separation. Maybe, this is the final test. Even though I know this, I still want to turn back the hands of time. Why couldn't we see the vision of us at the same time. Our vision is so beautiful, building and sharing a life together. I see our little boy in my dreams...he is rough and tough, always getting hurt and he walks like his Dad. I have stolen the magic of our relationship. Thinking about life without him is so painful. We have shared so many tender moments and trials, I want us to have the peace and happiness that comes after the storm. Our relationship has been a series of ups and downs preparing for marriage. I haven't been able to stay away from him more than a few months. There's a stirring deep within could it be my time has come...this songs gives me a moment of pause.

The night I fell for him

It started out as a simple date that lasted all night long. We had coffee at Tryst talked until the wee hours. Went back to his place...did some more talking. Then went back to my place and did some more talking. It was the most amazing date. I was totally smitten. One warning bell went off...he said he may never get married, he thought he would be married by now. Years later this comment would haunt our relationship. I remember wearing my blue rain coat that night.

Republic Garden July 4, 2004

I'm at Republic Garden with my friend Tiffany. This is first time in my life that I had so much alcohol that I threw up. I didn't drink that much...I'm not sure what caused me to get so sick. Anyway, lo and behold...fate brings us back

Superbowl XXXVIII - 2004 New England Patriots and Carolina Panthers

Fast forward a year later...I'm at the superbowl party with my road dog. Lo and behold who do I see...sitting across from me Max. He looks good. We caught up during the party he was dating an ex of his and I was dating a co-worker.

First Date 2003

Our first date was very interesting. This guy was so colorful and expressive over email however he said very few words to me on the date. We went to his friends house who had a sickly dog. The date was fine however I was like he doesn't talk enough. There was no second date.

First Email 2003

Max's first email...really got me. He talked about my name and what kind of woman would have my name. Somehow in moving email accounts, I must have lost his first email. I saved it for a number of years. But he definitely peaked my curiousity what is this guy all about.

Superbowl XXXVII 2003 - Oakland Raiders/Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Superbowl party...I don't go to the party to watch the game but to hang out and have good food. I am with my best girlfriend Shaundra. I am wearing a burgundy velvour jumpsuit and blue and burgundy nikes. This random guy started talking to me, at first I didn't pay him any attention. Until I really started listening to him, then I was like wow there is something different about him.

My Diamond is lost

This weekend, I had a wonderful time with the love of my life. Every time I looked or touched him, I just knew I was looking at my husband. I kept thinking about our future. What it will be like to spend the next 50 years with this person. I had such hope in my heart that he thought we were forever. Yesterday, I received a devastating email...he has no desire to revisit us. This news rocks me to my core...I was so hopeful. I knew this could be one of the outcomes but I had hoped our love was eternal...could even withstand me. I understand why he feels the way he does. I cut him deeply. To really understand my loss, I must start from the beginning.